“I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” Elie Weisel from her 1986 Nobel acceptance speech.
I want to share an experience with you. I am and have been a volunteer mentor for women who are victims of domestic violence and are involved in custody issues. I am also a non-custodial mother. I talk to and offer support to women on a daily basis and have for some time, that is the backdrop for this event.
My best friend has a special needs daughter. When I lost custody of my child, she was there for me. She told me she needed help raising hers and would welcome my input. Her husband did not help much in that department. A few years back she asked for my input when Trinity wanted to play a game on line. Mom said it would help her with the math reinforcement she needed for school. I said it could get her started on gambling, because addictive behaviors go with her diagnosis, and because the game gave you bonus “money” for doing certain things. Mom said that was silly, because they have free offers with credit cards now and enticements for lower interest rates. Neither of us suspected the real problem.
There was a chat room in that game and she could make friends all over the world. She was having fun texting her friends from different countries and making pen pals. She met a guy in the chat room too. The guy took up a lot of her time, and encouraged her to use phone minutes she did not have. He helped her create a facebook, and helped her sign up for Skype. Trinity told her parents about the boy, and they thought it was cute. Trinity did not say he was a man, and all are unsure as to when she figured that out.
He encouraged her to take nude pictures of herself. Trinity has always had boundary issues, that symptom goes along with her diagnosis. Trinity wanted to please him, and asked if there were certain poses or what parts of her he wanted pictures of. Even though they were Skyping, they have an older computer that does not have a web cam.
When she asked for help setting up a web cam, her parents were eager to help her, and it was in that process they discovered some of the messages that were exchanged.
So…I asked what the police had to say. Mom said she never called them. I could not believe my ears! I said you HAVE to call them! Heaven only knows how many other children he has done this to or worse! Mom says he is in Europe, and they fear bringing it out in public will damage their child more than staying silent. I told her not saying anything sends a message to Trinity that the abuse is ok and she should just be silent, which is wrong.
Then my bestie stood up, and she is taller than me! It was an intimidating move on her part too! She said to me, “I was there when they took your child, I was in every court hearing by your side and I have read all your court papers. Do you know what I learned from that? I learned that you should have kept your mouth shut! Since that time through your talk and all your “advocacy” work I have learned that if I report this to the police, I can lose my child! I love you like a sister but I am not taking the same path you took! We will work this out as a family and some other family can expose him for what he is. Let them air out their families dirty little secrets for the world to see! I understand that we all need to take a stand against this crap to make it stop, but look at the girl in the military who reported her rape and all she has gone through!”
Some days I just wonder. My Bestie and I, as I look at our arguments past and present, I see we are both correct, just from different perspectives.
This is hip wader material. Are we as advocates actually encouraging women to stay silent when we share our experiences? Is this a cycle of it’s own? How can we encourage women to speak out when they see what happened to us when we spoke out? We know things are not going to change until all domestic violence is reported and addressed and the perpetrators actually get charged, yet when it gets reported we lose custody of our children and are often punished in other ways as well.
I am very tired of chasing my tail in this circle, and I am ready for the next generation of advocates to develop better strategies than we have.
© Mia Tyler Kailin
While I appreciate that Oconto County et al is still watching this blog it never ceases to amaze me that CPS worker is so concerened about her name and posts about CPS workers LYING on their reports. . . right Carrie?
Yes my child has a voice and it’s very strong for being almost 15 years old. Since you don’t know how to do your jobs and hang around googling your names and searching this blog for info; here’s a little ditty for ya. The following is a piece of poetry my daughter wrote. She continually tells “mandated reporters” at her school about her home life with her father. Don’t you think it’s high time you did your job? I know my child thinks so and so do I.
Dedicated to CPS worker, Carrie Silbernagel-Burke and Oconto and Brown County Child Protection Agency
I go to school pretending
everything is fine
I say “I’m okay”
I can’t believe I still stick with that line.
I pretend I didn’t go through
a “father abusing me phase; life had a lot to face.
I don’t want anyones sorrows or
Yeah, I know it’s not all that shitty
That’s what you’ll say.
I want him to pay, pay for
everytime he would hit me.
All I would say is that
I miss my mom.
Is that so wrong?
I just want him to go away.
He causes me so much pain, physical pain.
Am I the one to blame?
Don’t feel sorry for me
And don’t forget my NAME
by M.M.H. (you know who I am)
If you want to show someone what sort of website A Voice for Men is, have them look at the following screenshot, which I’m putting below the jump because it may well trigger some readers in its depiction of the effects of domestic violence on women:
If you abuse your intimate partner and then get mad when she leaves you and then use the family court system as an extension of your abuse
. . . YOU MIGHT BE A PAS-HOLE
If your kids are afraid of you and don’t want to spend time with you becaus of your anger issues
. . . YOU MIGHT BE A PAS-HOLE
If you blame your ex for everything that’s bad that happened in their life since they left your abuse
. . . YOU MIGHT BE A PAS-HOLE
If you tell your kids that their “other parent” is a bitch, whore, slut, tramp, drug abuser, alcoholic, hooker, stripper
. . . YOU MIGHT BE A PAS-HOLE
If you tell the judge that your ex has made the kids not want to be around you
. . . YOU MIGHT BE A PAS-HOLE
If you are constantly trying to figure out ways of getting your kids to “hate” their own MOTHER for your own selfish gain and revenge. . . . YOU MIGHT BE A PAS-HOLE
WHEN all of your tactics from the above true stories backfires on you when your children are adults and no longer have to be influenced or forced into any relationship with their mother’s abuser, their father, don’t blame anyone else but yourself ASSHOLE.
WHAT IS PAS???
PAS (Parental Alianation Syndrome) is a psuedo-scientific theory invented by the late, pro-pedophile, Dr. Richard Gardner in the late 1990′s. It is not recognized by any mental health provider worth their salt and is often labeled as JUNK SCIENCE. PAS was originally invented to use as the “abuse excuse” for pedophiles and pedophilia. Through much unsuccessful attempts by the father’s right’s lobby to have PAS put this “mental health disorder” into the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-5).
FASCINATING ARTICLE DEBUNKING MYTH THAT SINGLE MOMS CANNOT RAISE CHILDREN SUCCESSFULLY WITHOUT A FATHER-
I have recently come across a brilliant article written by Shelbi York- a student and activist. I am so happy someone has finally come out with research showing that a mom can in fact raise children without a man in the house. For years- every time a young adult gets into trouble of any kind- single moms are blamed-
“The broken home” theory has always annoyed me. Fathers do not determine if a kid will turn out good, or troubled. It is true that a child benefits financially from a second income in a home- but the actual relationship with a father does not contribute to how a child turns out.
Below is the article written by Shelbi– and I think it is a brilliant- truthful- research article. Thank you Shelbi– for shedding light on the truth that nobody will admit- Please read the below article and feel free to post comments on the comments thread-
Battered mothers across sea to shining sea will all agree that they (abusers) are the same. We’ve been told to take our “passion” out of speaking to the judges, dress conservatively, don’t wear red (even though we’ve had a few rebels) act like a “lady” and then MAYBE just maybe the judge and other court personnel will treat you like a “human”. In the perfect world we mothers like to believe that possibly one time we will be listened to, the evidence weighed carefully but most of all we hope that they will treat us like any one of them would want their mother, aunt, sister, cousin or daughter treated in family court as victim of domestic violence. Battered mothers in family courts are special creatures. You see we are the ones who, so far, have beaten the odds of being killed by an intimate partner.
The statistics show we are the “lucky” ones. But when we enter the arena of family court we don’t often feel so lucky after all. It’s bad when you may think to yourself that death would have been a better fate than continual litigation by your former abuser, the actual legal term is “vexatious litigation”, but don’t bother trying to use it in family court, doesn’t work that way for mothers. Like the other favorite legal tactic by abusers the infamous PAS a.k.a. parental alienation syndrome, don’t get me started. Point is that it can be extremely hard for a victim to walk into the lair of family court and know who her enemy is. I myself when I walked through the hallowed halls of Oconto County Wisconsin mistakenly thinking that people of power will protect my children and I. Not only is advocacy needed for domestic violence victims to leave the abuser or “awareness” for those who apparently live in a delusional world where mommies don’t get hit by daddies. They do.
The new “survivor” will need the ammunition for when she is summoned to family court by her abuser, because he’s not done with her yet. It goes back to the abusers own “ego” where they too believed we would never leave them and when we do it’s earth shaking for a controlling asshole. But now he has “friends” in the shape of legal personnel that will look upon you with disdain. Through the many battered mothers that have formed relationships with other battered mothers from all parts of the world we have learned that even though our stories may be different their is always the common denominator the abuser. If I had a dime for every battered mother that has heard other battered mothers plights of family court hell, say “sounds exactly like MY abuser”, I would have enough money in a legal fund to help millions of mothers.
During these final weeks of “Domestic Violence Awareness” month we hope to that the general public also is “aware” that after daddy loses control over mommy he goes after the children, it’s the abusers way, he’s not done with you until he says so.
The aim and dedication of this blog, and many others that have flooded the internet since 2008, are made for battered mothers who have been to hell and back, to show the world what they are doing to us. The wheels of abuse most certainly go “”round and ’round” and only some survive. Now that the other women are awakening with the “War on Women” we can only hope still that one day a mother can leave her abuser safely with her children. Unlike the “cookie cutter” shape of the abuser, we are individuals but our commonality is that we are loving mothers who will stop at nothing to save our children and future generations of females and to put an end to these human rights violations.
Custody “disputes” are deadly FYI!!!
What we’ve known for years, we now have confirmation.
RIP Mindy </3
In the past few years, McCready waged a public battle for custody of her elder son, Zander. She took the boy from her mother, who had custody, and fled with him to her home in Arkansas, saying she had concerns over his safety.
Mindy McCready sang about Ten Thousand Angels in 1996 and now they sing for her. Protective mothers who also know all too well about family courts, DCF and abusers what Mindy has been through with custody of her son. This is a victory that will not go unnoticed with the large community of protective mothers. We applaud Judge Harrod for what we can only assume is reason and logic that a mother should be with their child, we couldn’t agree more.
Country singer Mindy McCready left an Arkansas courthouse a “happy girl” Monday without divulging details about a juvenile court judge’s ruling on what will happen to her and her five-year-old son Zander.
“I can’t talk about it, but I can tell you all I’m a happy girl. I’m a happy girl right now,” she said to reporters gathered outside the Izard County courtroom of Judge Lee Harrod.
“I love Judge Harrod, I’ll tell you that. I love that man. He’s a good man,” she said before being driven away from the courthouse.
Later Monday evening, McCready sent a text message to HLN’s Jane Valez Mitchell that the host read on air.
“WE WON!!! ZAN STAYS,” McCready wrote. “Court details sealed but we love Judge Lee W Harrod.”
Details on when the singer may be able to take Zander back home to Nashville, and whether McCready will get permanent custody of her son remain unclear.
“The next step would be for the judge to decide,” Amy Webb, director of communications for the Arkansas Department of Human Services, told ABC News.
Florida Department of Children and Families officials had been expected to request in the hearing that Zander be sent back to Cape Coral, Fla., where McCready’s mother, Gayle Inge, is his legal guardian.
“We will not discuss details of this case per the judge’s order. Of course we continue to work with all involved parties to ensure this child’s safety and well-being,” a Florida DCF spokeswoman told ABCNews.com.
McCready’s rep offered no information either. “All proceedings and documentation surrounding the hearing are sealed,” Kat Atwood said in a statement to ABCNews.com. “No further information is available at this time.”
For decades now, mothers that have survived domestic violence and family court have continued to scream for justice, now they’re starving for it, literally. This week in Arizona a mother has made the ultimate sacrifice not only her body but for all mothers that are used and abused by the family court system, she has begun a hunger strike.
In Arizona a judge ordered that a mother be placed in jail for arrears in child support. Now mind you this mother does not get to see her children in a normal setting to begin with. This mother, like the thousands of others, is a “non-custodial” mother. She’s not just a “non-custodial” she is also a domestic abuse survivor, for whatever that’s worth these days anyways. A domestic violence survivor or victim will receive the worst treatment from the family court system than any other judicial “branch” (besides a rape victim). But it’s the same if you were raped it was YOUR fault, if you were abused it was YOUR fault. After 100 years of women in the early 19th century fighting for the right to vote we are still at a place where women are oppressed. We make less than men, work more and get our children taken away. Now if all that’s not bad enough at insult to injury when you are thrown into the family court arena. Now you are “forced” to “co-parent” with your abuser. That’s right, not only does he have access still to your life he then does everything in his powers (by way of his attorney who is the judges golfing buddy, oh and didn’t I tell ya…the judge knows the abusers dad…they go waaaay back, and the GAL oh yeah he’s golfing buddies with them all too). Once the abuser becomes the master manipulator that he is and gets by with a lot of help from his dads friends, soon gets custody. Then after that it continues with supervised visits (because you are a bad mother in whatever fictitious label they can pin on you) and soon after comes the child support because even though he makes more than you do with working two or three jobs… he can’t do it ALL BY HIMSELF. My mother did.
Family Court Judges, lawyers, psychologists and other supporters of female victims to interpret the effects and impacts of abuse as equivalent to passivity, incompetence, and poor mental health. So what can women and their supporters do to combat this social problem? http://www.speakoutloud.net/helping-women/language-of-resistance-in-family-court/
Mothers that have been abused should AVOID family court at all costs. They should run as fast as they can away, far far away from the abuser, because IF there isn’t “placement order” in place at the time of escape your chances are better than him tracking you down and THEN trying to get the children. ALWAYS have your children in YOUR care and custody. Even IF the abuser just wants to take the kids for “one night”. Do not fall for the trickery. Many mothers have lost their children this way. Either by the abuser claiming HE had custody (just as mine did) or running off with them or even worse, murder.
So with all this in mind you should also be “aware” that these travesties are not something “new” the courts are doing. This has been going on for decades. This started in the 1980′s when more mothers returned to work and became more independent and decided they didn’t need a “Mr. Mom”. When they began the child support system that spurned the phrase “dead beat dad” for the era that’s when the men folk starting fighting back and then abusers caught on that this system could work to their advantage since we wanted equality after all…didn’t we?
We did and we still do, but even in the year 2011 it is far off. The right to vote, 19 th amendment was the last and only rights that women have in the constitution. But if you want to count the 14th amendment which states,
No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.
Then again that would mean WE (as in women) have equality in this nation right? Not really. With the recent political atmosphere with state governments and their power grabs and war on women’s reproductive rights, we are losing “rights” every day. The women of the 1970′s that started a revolution of women yearning for the Equal Rights Amendment, here we are in the new millennium with only 38 states out of 50 that have “ratified” the ERA. How much longer?
Now, at this very moment an Arizona mother has taken all she can. Not unlike the women’s suffragists who went on hunger strikes for the right to place a ballot, she is too. This mother works two jobs and has limited contact, if any, to her children. Her abuser has hidden assets and comes from a very “well off” family. He’s not doing it because he’s starving, he’s doing it because he can. Years of family court conflicts, collusion and cronyism have taken its toll on this mothers soul. This woman has decided that she would rather starve and be hospitalized because it matters not what the courts can do to her, THIS is a politicized statement that the family court system is corrupt and we’re not taking it anymore. We’ve signed petitions, played the niceties with government officials who’ve gave us lip service, we’ve sacrificed our children and our savings accounts, we’ve marched the streets of Washington DC on Mother’s Day, we are done trying to get your attention, we DEMAND it now.
Yesterday was “Day One” of the hunger strike, we are now on “Day Two”. This mother says she must come up with $2,000 in 60 days or she will be put in jail, per judges orders. This mother is more deteremined than ever to get out of the circle jerk of family court. She’s lost everything but her free will. Perhaps this will be the one thing that she can conrol in her life since her abuser and his colluders continue their rage against her.
So Day Two is sliding into Day Three and I know with all my heart that the tenacity of this mother she is not giving up and we need to stand by her. I cannot with any good conscience not sound the trumpets for the triumphant return of the suffragists spirits to rise again with us and guide us to freedom of enlslavement of the patriarchy My prayer and mantra is that we begin our first voyage into the unknown world non-violent protest. I beg all victims of the family court system and their allies align their voices and let the world know we will not ignored. In the same vane as our Foremothers did and their daughters of the 70′s ERA movement. But this time we really DO get equal rights.
Stay tuned as this blog is about to expose EVERY one of the corrupt family court officials from Arizona